Friendship Matters

A sense of incompleteness haunts the religious and priestly life without the presence and support of friends. I thank God for the gift of good and reliable friends who helped me persevere in consecrated life. Yet, as I journeyed further, I realized that there are both advantages and disadvantages in friendship: not that ‘friendship’ per se is wrongful, but that some ‘ways’ of friendship bring with them negative consequences.

Human beings are naturally inclined to establish friendships. It is as if we need it for survival. Attachment to our significant others tells us that our brains are hardwired for relationships. Yet, we should transcend the mere lure of survival as our motivation or goal in friendships and relationships. Otherwise, we become personal-needs-based motivated persons, a real detriment to pastoral partnership.

Religious and priests are magnets for friendship. People are convinced that by virtue of our consecration, we are trustworthy, transparent, kind, and more importantly, channels of God’s grace to others, especially the poor. It sounds ideal, right? These perceptions are not delusions; they flow from our new identity as individuals who vowed to become the presence of Christ to others.

Unfortunately, not all of our friends support us in our pastoral endeavors or help us grow in this identity. It is a sad truth, but some become our friends because they want to possess us. We are friends because we are their possessions. Or it may be the other way around. Our friendship with others becomes a means to get connections, acquire power, and later live a lofty lifestyle. Lest we forget, most times our friendships have become economical—our financial needs are ensured. We fall to what Renato Madrid writes about: priests who are ‘bound by friendship to the moneyed ones.’

Many of us are unaware that we have become victims of this “maladaptive friendship.” How could this happen? Perhaps we are simply overwhelmed by the perks of these relationships—the benefits we personally enjoy. Without know-how, buried beneath this “beneficial relationship or friendship” is the loss of freedom, crisis of identity, vulnerability to abuses, loss of credibility, materialism, the incapacity to healthily decline the many personal requests of benefactor-friends, physical exhaustion, ruined relational boundaries, unhealthy relationships within the community, and a compromised spiritual life—all of which are ready to burst at any time, often unconsciously. It has been affirmed by observation that maladaptive friendship always leads to a maladaptive lifestyle.

Priests and religious must observe extra prudence and vigilance in reaping the benefits that friendship brings. There’s no need to prohibit friendship with others or ban it—that is not what I am saying. Friendship is part and parcel of our life. In fact, it remains one of its essentials. But real friends are those who value our identity, respect our boundaries, protect our vocation, and help us to remain faithful to our religious lifestyle. They do this without transforming us to be like them. Real and good friends lead us to become closer to God and to our community. They don’t become the measure of our identity or, comically put, take over our rule of life. They don’t assume the role of our rightful authorities. Instead, they point out and correct our unfaithfulness. They support our apostolate, maybe gift us with little things without reinforcing materialism. True friends provide us with essentials that help us faithfully persevere and be preserved in our desire to be configured to the Lord.

Friends are precious presents from God. Undeniably, they can be sources of strength, joy, courage, and inspiration. But if we cannot distinguish early in the process between ‘maladaptive and adaptive friendship,’ the stark difference shatters and vanishes. We start to live in a friendship steeped in confusion. Instead of living with a free heart, we become slaves to others.

Need a friend? Choose a godly friend—not simply a provider friend, for real friendship matters!

- Fr. Rogie Quinga, RCJ currently resides at the Oasis of Prayer in Silang, Cavite. Aside from managing the Enterprises of the St. Matthew Province, he also spend his time helping priests, religious, and those in formation in their psycho-spiritual journey.