Transforming My Negative Core Belief!
I once prided myself on being branded as a hardworking person. Whatever the formators asked of me, I never hesitated to bring their requests and demands to fruition. Saying “No” was not an option; “Yes” was always my automatic response. It was difficult for me to decline tasks. From childhood, my father trained me to be constantly and readily available— to tend to animals, plow fields, and perform household chores at a moment’s notice. Each call to duty seemed irrefutable; refusal, objections and oppositions were out of the question. Blind obedience was deeply ingrained in me long before I entered the seminary. It felt as though ‘to work’ was not just a duty but our inherent character, if not purpose; anything else meant being deemed as a “nobody.”
Without know-how, this upbringing instilled a core belief: “Not working or saying no means I am nobody.” My brain was hardwired to parallel ‘worth’ with ‘work.’ Constant productivity, a distorted belief, drove me to constantly render results with flying colors, regardless of the task or circumstance. In time, I became accustomed to this maladaptive system. I savored every fleeting moment of acceptance, affirmation, and appreciation I received from others. Naïve, I allowed these positive reactions to beef-up my false belief that I was “somebody,” capable of steadily meeting results beyond expectations and earning compliments. I started to see myself like a ‘superman’, induced by positive feedback I was receiving. Naturally, I went on without paying attention to the negative experiences—feeling like navigating on an eggshell, experiencing physical and emotional exhaustion, and ultimately, spiritual regression—focusing solely on my goal to prove my worth to the world.
I believed I was growing and becoming a better person. But the hidden truth spoke differently. During my training in accompaniment and therapy, I was graced with the moment to be confronted by these suppressed truths. It was not smooth sailing, however. Initially, denial was my defense. I grappled to acknowledge this unfavorable exposé. For so long, I had convinced myself that my worth came from my completed projects, connections with influential figures and institutions, beefed-up by others’ affirmations and appreciations. I thought I was at my peak, only to slapped with the reality that I was far from it. The grim reality pressed itself on me: my ruthless pursuit of external validation disguised a deep lack of self-worth and self-love.
Our core beliefs are like internal dynamos, shaping our self-image and influencing our sense of self-worth, love, justice, autonomy, performance, perception of others, belonging, and standards. Negative core beliefs are not consciously chosen; they grow through repeated and constant exposure and feedback from significant others. Negative core beliefs can ruin and distort our self-perception when repetitively reinforced by negativities, in words and emotions.
Due to our survival instincts, negative core beliefs often lie buried in our unconscious. It is so because it carries with it pain, sorrow, deprivation and rejection. Ignoring or neglecting them seems the simplest way out. Ironically, these beliefs draw its power and intensity on our attempts to suppress them. They soon manifest themselves through thoughts, intense emotions, and maladaptive behaviors. Repression only delays the inevitable outcomes, and in the long run, becomes noxious when left unaddressed.
Common coping mechanisms involve decorating ourselves with titles, seeking authority, chasing fame and power, or simply striving to make a name for ourselves. Some become workaholics, beg attention, demonstrate aggression, or worse, indulge in materialism and vices. Unfortunately, the acceptance, love, affirmation, and appreciation we deeply seek can no longer be provided by those who once deprived it of us. We can’t time travel and rewrite history according to our whims and wishes.
Reflecting on this, isn’t it exhausting and unfair to ourselves? Consider the ripple effects of these dynamics in our lives and the lives of others.
Transforming our negative core beliefs necessitates flooding ourselves with positive beliefs. This transformation also lies within our control, demanding courage and commitment to shift our perspectives - from feeling worthless and useless to rediscovering our worth, goodness, and unique gifts. It demands freeing ourselves from the need to constantly seek external validation in exchange for inner contentment, to fostering a healthy self-confidence rooted in a positive self-image and our Christian identity. Ultimately, it is a journey toward rediscovering our positive core belief as an “image of God.”
So, the most effective way to debunk our negative core-belief is to rediscover our own self-worth in the eyes of God. We need to pay attention to God in moments of prayer. Through inner silence, we ought to discover that God sees us differently from how others and our limited perceptions see us. Those who embrace their positive core beliefs are often peaceful, selfless, humble, responsible, and committed - their words are congruent to their actions. Their behavior and initiatives are always motivated by charity.
The journey of change will be arduous and demanding. It eventually rests on the grace of God to persevere in this unique adventure: to value ourselves, debunk our negative core belief and adopt a positive stance. Transforming our core beliefs is a witness to divine grace. Always bring into mind that our past experiences do not define our worth; in the eyes of God, we are all His beloved.
Prove yourself no more because you are beyond blessed - not merely “somebody,” but uniquely cherished!
- Fr. Rogie Quinga, RCJ currently resides at the Oasis of Prayer in Silang, Cavite. Aside from managing the Enterprises of the St. Matthew Province, he also spend his time helping priests, religious, and those in formation in their psycho-spiritual journey.