'Woman, behold thy Son; Son, behold thy Mother' (John 19, 26-27)
I entered the seminary determined to serve the Lord and His people. This attitude was instilled in me by my grandmother, even if she was not a Catholic. It was my mother who formed in me the value of excellence and to give the best of myself in everything I did. The call to the priesthood was an inspiration for a cousin who became a priest, although his own mother was not a Catholic. And here I am now in my 5th year in the seminary.
For the last four years, I have faced difficulties in my leadership capacity in getting fellow seminarians to do a good job of the tasks that I would ask them. I noticed their poor workmanship. When I offered them constructive criticisms, in their annoyance, they would comment that I was too smart for them. I felt sad that they didn’t even give it a try or exert some effort to improve their work, or themselves for that matter. In my frustration, I would exchange harsh words with them and decide to just do the work myself. I battled thoughts such as, “Is it my fault that I do my best?”. “Is it my fault that you guys aren’t even trying?” “Is it my fault that you guys can’t keep up with the seminary formation?” I believed they were the ones at fault, not me.
I started to question the motivations of my companions for entering the seminary. I thought they were unbecoming of a seminarian because they seemed to lack commitment to performing tasks and assignments, which I easily accomplished in my first year as a seminarian. I have been disappointed and frustrated with their slow pace compared to mine.
I disagreed that the whole body should be reprimanded for the wrongdoings of a few seminarians. I hated being criticized for something I wasn’t responsible for whenever the entire body was addressed for the wrongdoings” of some or a few. It didn’t make sense to lump those who were being a burden with those who were really trying, who were dedicated, and doing their best in their seminary formation.
I would be annoyed that my fellow companions didn’t know how to handle simple matters, e.g., answering the phone, acting as a porter, dealing with people coming from the apostolate, and working as a team. I suppressed my resentments, which had built up through the years, and this hindered an optimistic perspective on my part. I will always recall how I overcame poor grades and excelled but couldn’t figure them out. Perhaps my relationship with them was just about their tasks. I didn’t inquire about them.
The shortcomings and many failings of my companions brought me near the edge. I was miserable, and this led me to question whether I was in the right community or not. I honestly considered transferring to a different community that could be aligned with my type of service and where I would share the same interests with fellow seminarians. For instance, a community that had a different set of standards could reinforce my zeal and passion instead of being disappointed. Of course, I was bothered by these thoughts because I knew that the seminary formation I received really helped me to grow as an individual. I had difficulties in really understanding my companions with whom I was meant to journey with.
I was lost and have reached an impasse. I was emotionally distressed, frustrated, furious, and helpless because I didn’t know what to do. I was questioning everything that I had been through to try and understand why I was being placed in such a situation by God. I was no longer happy, and if there were something that I was certain of, it would be that I didn’t know what the Lord wanted for me. Perhaps I must face the truth: was I serving God and His people the way God wants me to serve? Was I really giving my best to my fellow seminarians when all I could see was that it was their fault and I was doing things right, intentionally, to help them?
The women in my life, i.e., my mother and grandmother, guided me in my difficulties and the most impossible situations. Even if I had been in the seminary for some time, I failed to realize that I had not developed a relationship with the mother whom Jesus asked me to behold when He told John, Son, behold thy mother. Mother, behold thy son. Mary had set a distinctive kind of service, which meant enduring all the pains and hardships for the greater glory of God’s will. Surely, it wasn’t an easy task for the Blessed Mother to embrace the unexpected, but I think that I am being invited to follow her example. I should extend charity to my fellow seminarians, and when I find it difficult, I should seek contemplation and prayer. I shall try it and, like Mary, give my best by the grace of God.
Thank you, Lord, for giving me Your Mother so I can be guided in my vocation journey. Inspired by this confidence, I turn and stand before the Blessed Mother, sinful and sorrowful. That she may not despise my petitions but hear me with mercy and answer me with God’s grace. May I learn to be humble so that I may have a pondering heart like hers in times of sorrow and have resiliency in trusting God’s will. Teach me to confront the moments in which I do not understand. Strengthen my appreciation and deepen my companionship with my co-seminarians. Let me not belittle the ordinary things that come my way so that the Lord can make them extraordinary, just like He continued to bless her even in the face of the greatest sufferings. Help and guide me, Blessed Mother, so that I may not be misled by earthly knowledge but be brought to the foot of the Cross as a faithful, perseverant, and humble follower of Christ.
Deo Rafael M. Gutierrez is a postulant of the Rogationists - St. Matthew Province.